The Joy and the Pain

Today in church at the 44th Branch for the Deaf in Lehi Utah, I watched something really beautiful

I watched a tiny little girl fitted with two cochlear implants whose lights persistently flashed green, her back turned to the video screen as she followed my daughter-in-law in signing a song. She quickly picked up on all the signs as her mom tried to get her to turn around. 

She had no interest in the video screen. She was interested in real people. These were people like her and they were communicating more than the words to a song. They were communicating hope for her future. These two deaf adults and their hearing children who are all very capable in ASL were educating her.

In no time at all, she was making the connection in ASL what their names were. She connected that like she connected that, like her, there was a mom and dad sitting with two girls and a boy. She was the third girl in her family. She didn’t know there was a third girl in the other family as well, who was away to college. She didn’t know that there was yet another girl watching from her heavenly home.

All she knew was there were a bunch of other people who were more than willing to communicate in her language to make her feel a part of this life into which she was thrust. I couldn’t help but think of my children 45 years ago plus and how hard I worked to get services for them and I couldn’t help but think of the work ahead for these young parents who have chosen to raise her with every available resource, implants, voice, gestures and ASL. Every deaf child should be so fortunate. These parents are clearly invested in the success of their child.

I also can’t help but think as I write this, of the beautiful young deaf woman who just last week took her own life. I didn’t know her but I know that just a few years ago she was Miss Deaf Utah. I also know that everyone said how beautiful she was and how bright and how happy and multiples of all of this. There was also talk of not understanding and how it didn’t make sense. 

That kind of pain and loss never makes sense. Somehow though, in her beautiful mind it made sense to her. Somehow, she thought this made sense and would not only relieve her pain but would help others. Those who grieve for her and cry for her and miss her do not understand why she couldn’t wait until the sun came up again. Sometimes in the mind of a person in pain, there is not going to be another sunrise.

That is why we need to find answers. We need to recognize pain hidden behind a happy, fake smile. We need to ask why, what, how we will change this dynamic. Who can I check on? Who seems fine but carries a heavy burden? Who can I help through this pain? Whose depression and anxiety can I take seriously? How can I be part of the change?

We, like these young parents, need to become part of the solution. We need to offer help and hope. We need to be strong enough to say, “I have been through that and there will be another sunrise!” to someone for whom things seem so very dark. We need to offer help and hope and healing not just for a moment but for as long as it takes.

I have lost two family members and many friends and acquaintances to this thing that plagues us now. Somehow, somehow, these people young and old are not aware that they are worth anything and everything that it takes to help and understand their needs. We need to do this so that those fake smiles become real smiles because it is understood that we love them and they are needed here, now, with you and I!

4 A.M. Thoughts 2

Many years ago I was listening to a man who spoke of writing your thoughts down when you wake with them in the middle of the night. I wasn’t quite sure why at the time that this might be so important. I understand now because I have not done that and then when I awaken, those thoughts however pithy and wonderful they may have been in the middle of the night, are gone. For this reason, I am finally waking up and getting them down not for the the great gift they might be to the world but because of the clarity they do or do not give me about my own life.

Yesterday I had a lovely day with family. There were many who could not be there for various reasons, a late train, illness, etc. and always choice. Some chose not to come because of different things. I used to get very upset at this for a variety of reasons but I have been working on meeting people where they are. In order to do this, I must see them where they are and that requires a whole lot if personal work to bring myself to where they are not meeting my expectations but realize that they have their own journeys over which I have little influence at this time.

My granddaughter told me something as we sat at lunch that had affected her a lot. A man we both know who some consider to be eccentric and quite difficult to understand in some ways had told her something which struck home for me. That something was that we have to get to a place in our lives that we understand that we can’t do something as well as someone else can. Whatever that thing may be, we have to let go and trust that someone else can and probably will do it better than we can. Often for me, that someone has to be the Lord.

As much as I hate it, I am sometimes arrogant in thinking that I and I alone have the power to change some dynamic that I really have no influence in at some point. Somewhat like this silly keyboard that seems to take on a life of it’s own, I can only affect those things over which I have control. My challenge then is to take control over that which I can control, the keyboard. Those things often do not include other people’s choices in life. They do not seek nor do they want my “highly informed” advice. Sometimes I know my advice would be very useful in some situation but they do not want it. In the past I often took offense but I am trying to see things differently now.

At this time, there are several important players in my life with whom I must turn over the power. Someone else will hopefully influence them more than I. A couple of them I can sit and talk with and we eventually come to an understanding about what is appropriate for me and them in our relationships. For a few others, discussion is avoided to the point of that wonderful new language of stonewalling or ghosting. That is perhaps the hardest thing for me because I have no control over the separation it creates and I have to remember that it is their journey.

Still, my silent heart and voice yearn to “fix it”! I want to scream loudly, “This could be fixed if only you would make the choice to come discuss it, work it out and fix it together.” The together part is the hard part for me. My daughter keeps telling me to “hold space” for them and not be judgmental. To be totally honest, I often have trouble with that part. It seems natural for humans to judge one another without knowing all the facts. That too drives me nuts yet I all too often choose that path. I don’t want others to do it with me yet I choose to apply it with a broad brush to them.

I have to back up and deliberately back off and let them find their own paths without even voicing my “expert” opinion. Wow! That can be seriously hard, especially when with the real wisdom of past experience, you watch them hurtling themselves toward a big train wreck. I was given the gift of discernment many years ago in a blessing. It is very real but it comes and goes according to how I choose to use it and I have been deliberately choosing it often of late. The problem comes when others do not discern but I can. It doesn’t come to me in the way one might think but if you have ever watched the TV series Psych, it comes much like it comes to the actor in that series. It will be in an extreme awareness of of a word or phrase or small detail that someone else might overlook. It’s often in the buts and the ors and other small things that indicate questioning or hesitancy on someone’s part. They still rush headlong into something in spite of those words of doubt and I am stuck there with the “Listen to yourself!” thoughts. It can be really hard to sit back and watch but I have to remember that, “It is not my choice to make.”

Yes, and it is not my choice the consequences their choices often leave behind which may involve me heavily. That is where the most pain lies for me. I can see the wreck coming but there is absolutely no way for me to influence it. My words and sometimes my actions will have no effect on their decisions and others are left to live with the pain. It is then that I have to remind myself of the pain I created for others and still do sometimes create. It is what my husband and I often laughingly call the “You’ve gotta get out of Lehi!” effect. It is about broadening your big picture vision. It is about tuning in to what will really be important in the future and who will be there for you when that future comes.

I am in the fortunate place of looking back at the “big picture” while yet still looking ahead. It can be a disconcerting place to be especially with family. A friend of mine was discussing “family dynamics” with me the other day. He said something to the effect that his friends have come and gone throughout his life as he moved or changed jobs or whatever but his family had always remained and is where he goes in the end for real support that never varies. I think that was God’s design.

As I look at things from this vantage point, this thought is true of me as well. My path diverged from that of my brother and sister for quite a long time. I was the baby sis by 8 and 10 years. I was not close to all the workings of their families for much of the time nor they with mine. We each had our own work to do with our own challenges and desires and ways. Now, it has come full circle and I find myself concerned with 6 “elderly” people. Keep in mind that at 72, I do not yet think of myself as elderly. Old occasionally maybe. Elderly? No! I don’t even go to that place where I know what my great grandchildren may be thinking about me. But I digress.

At this time in life, I find myself realizing that family especially and friends we have chosen for the long term are the only thing worth anything. Your relationships are everything so be careful what you choose. In this world there is much toxicity of relationships. Do not confuse that with the normal give and take and disagreement in a regular family. I have dealt with several toxic people but only two truly toxic families in my life. All of those have been very real AND very recent. Most families have their ups and downs and their disagreements, sometimes even fights, and go on to maintain relationships, sometimes close and sometimes not.

They ideal family usually exists in a TV sitcom or a void somewhere. Sadly, we all compare ourselves to that ideal. In reality, most of us exist somewhere in the middle. We are close at times and not at others and we are always in the background ready to help when asked or if we are tuned in even when not asked. When was the last time you checked on family or friends that seem disconnected? Is it you or them? Does it matter who it was? Do you need to reexamine your dynamics, thoughts, fears etc.? Are you willing to do that? If not, why not? It is a very important set of things to consider. What you choose may make or break you and those you love.

Right now, I am downhearted about some things in my family. I am not yet brokenhearted because, in my mind at least, there is still time and there are still fixes available if “my people” choose that. For me the challenge is in holding space for each individual and each family involved. Still, I hope and pray that they won’t wait until it is too late. They may do that but there is really nothing I can do to influence that except continue to love them!

4 A.M. thoughts.

With these thoughts, I am hoping to help others to write similar statements to honor themselves, their choices and their contributions.

My Personal Worthiness Statement

I am choosing in. I am choosing in to all my roles that have been marginalized and minimized. I am choosing in to be authentically who I am. I am resilient. I rise each time I fall or fail.

I am a warrior! I choose to work with the helpless, the hopeless and the homeless in whatever shape that may take. My core beliefs are love, faith, loyalty, belief, hard work, “anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things.”

Why? Because I am getting older and I am tired of living roles that have never served me well, you know, the perfectionist picture stuff. My daughter and my therapist are helping me choose things that will help me use the time I have left, which is limited and valuable, to best serve me and those I love.

Some of those roles include:

I am a woman and a good, kind, loving human being who wants deeply for every person I know to be the best that is in them! That is simply who I am. I am also strong AND I am tired. I am choosing to take time to honor my past efforts to raise the world and give myself an occasional break. 

I am a stay at home mom (a deliberate choice and the benefit of having a hard working husband) of three deaf children and their three spouses who are deaf as well. I am also the mom to a single mom. All of these people have faced life challenges that would have dropped many others in their tracks as have I.

 They are the parents to 22 children and grandchildren who are mine as well. I choose to love them and help them in any way I can. That does not mean I will choose in to all their requests. I give myself permission to say “No.” 

This, being a mom and grandma, next to being a wife, is my primary role outside of being my best me.

I am a wife of 50+ years now. He is, always has been and always will be, the love of my life. It was love at first sight and has never changed in all these many years. We have lived together through much joy and much hardship. When I have been down he has buoyed me up and vice versa. He is mine and I am his and that is a choice.

I have lost a child and some days 43 years later I still mourn her passing and some days I do not think of her at all. I give myself permission to do that. She is my “safe” child in a world that is threatening all my other children. I look forward to seeing her again in the not too distant future.

I am mentally ill. I have struggled with extreme anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation for a good share of my life. Medication and counseling have helped me deal with this for more than 40 years now. I try to educate and advocate for those in similar circumstances.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because in this place I find strength and the will to trust my Savior to help me deal with life. Some of you who I love do not find that here but somewhere else and I honor your choice.

I have friends and family who are in marginalized and minimized groups of various ethnicities, beliefs, sexual orientations etc. I choose to love and honor them because of who they are as human beings and not what I hope or believe they “should or could” be. They are who they are and that is enough for me. It was enough for my Savior to love them as they were. Am I better than He?

I am a “Senior”. It has been my experience that is no longer honored much in this world. Still I choose to remain active AND involved for as long as I am useful to my family, friends and the world.

I am white and in many ways privileged. I hope to use that privilege which gives me a voice to serve others who I truly love and care for to have opportunities that may not otherwise come to them. I cannot do for myself alone without bringing others with me AND I will honor them if they choose not to accept those opportunities.

Sometimes I have had little and sometimes I have had much in the way of material things. I have always had “enough” and have chosen in to the idea that “enough is as good as a feast”. I choose to share my blessings in material ways in causes that I think will benefit those for whom I care. That is my choice and no one else’. I alone am responsible for those choices.

In fact, I alone am responsible for all my choices whether good or bad. I will accept that and move forward sometimes hoping to make better choices and many times fully satisfied with the choices I have made. I will choose the change if necessary, accepting that change can be a very good thing.

This is My Personal Worthiness Statement. I am and will be enough. When I am not enough, I will allow my Savior or someone or something else to help me become enough. I WILL BE.

On Being Judgemental

It’s time for me to start a purge on one of my most difficult problems. No I am not in a 12 step program although I have worked in some capacity in a 12 step program for several years of my life. No, this is a voluntary purge. I am not required to do it to fulfill some "responsibility" to anyone but me and my God. I could make excuses and say I had some very good teachers in this problem but then that would not be taking responsibility for my own choices in this area. I am close to 72 years old. I am an active, busy, healthy almost 72 but when I do meet my maker, I want to do it with a clear conscience.

Could it be that I am setting impossibly high standards for myself and others? Could it be that psychologist who told me years ago that I just hadn’t learned how to do some things or that the builder who stood in my demolished kitchen challenging me to recognize “the very thing I was sent here to do” could be right? Am I my worst critic? Why yes, I am!

I have a strong tendency to want to judge people by what my expectations are rather than just accepting them and loving them for who they are. Now, I need to qualify this. I am very open to differences and I am very loving to many people who don't meet my expectations. That is easy for me. It is with those who are close to me that I have the most difficulty.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. Why do I do it? Perhaps the answer lies in something my Shihan taught me years ago. We were discussing how you judge a martial arts form. She said that she gave everyone a 9 when they started and each time they did something wrong she deducted a tenth of a point. She also gave this advice about life. Thus, everyone starts with a 9 and then they perform in a way that either supports your ideals or trust or does not so you start deducting. No one gives you more opportunities to deduct points than those who are closest to you especially oneself.

Those with whom you have limited contact are easy to give a "by". It is much harder to bypass judgements of those with whom you have daily contact. Suddenly we fall into that pit where we are thinking, He doesn't do that right (because I wouldn't do it that way) or why doesn't she do this thing a certain way (because that is the way I do it). We begin judging everyone by our perspective which truthfully is probably very different from theirs.

For example, my husband and I were both downtown the other night about the same time. We both happened on an accident in the same intersection at different times. His explanation was very different from mine. For a second, it was somewhat confusing until we realized that he had been there a few minutes before me and that there had been a second incident added to that accident by the time I arrived. It resulted in a very different view of what happened.

Sometimes even when we are together viewing the same incident, it will seem very different to us depending on our past experience, our relationship to those involved, our expertise in the situation etc. I have spent considerable time lately doing self-checking, how do I feel, how is it affecting me and what do I need to do about it. A lot of the time I am finding that I need to do and should do NOTHING! That includes judging someone else’ view and actions by my perspective. It has made my life sooooooo much easier.

Expectations, Starting Again.................Again!

I have forgotten how much time writing can take. Gathering your thoughts and then coherently putting them down on paper can be tough. Thus, the reason for Brene’ Brown’s SRD (in her words, shitty rough drafts or more nicely stormy rough drafts). I am totally understanding this again. Good writing takes time but you must first get it down before you can refine it. That aside, I will get on with this.

Life for the last three years has been a series of coming and going, ups and downs, highs and lows and frankly, I haven’t had the energy, the time nor the desire to write on my blog. I started this for me and those most close to me and I have been totally consumed with just trying to get here from there.

It has been three years of ups and downs that I have experienced in a similar way at other times but this time it has been from a different point of view. It has often been third person rather than first person. There have been wonderful, fulfilling and loving times and there have been dark, painful, fearful, heart rending and depressing times. I have had to give up on much and I have been given much. I have definitely had to change my perspective on and let go of many things. Most of those things were expectations.

Much has come to the fore in the last few months. I have visited and revisited many places physically and in my mind. Some have been to make beautiful memories and others have brought back some really tough memories. Fortunately, the good has outweighed the bad in general but there have been times where I have become stuck in the tough. I don’t apologize because it is stuff I have needed badly to work through and I have had some very good help to do that.

My counselor who is amazing had me do some work to promote mindfulness this week and I have really enjoyed it. I sit on the edge of the bed, put my hand on my heart and ask myself what am I feeling. I then move on to what do I need and then comes what do I need to do. Sometimes I am surprised by the things I learn about myself. Often I am surprised by the answer to the last question, what do I need to do. It is almost always directed inward and it often is nothing.

I am realizing that there are so many things over which I have no control. They are controlled by other people and circumstances. I can’t take away their choices even if I really want to. I can’t take their agency to do what they feel best fits them even if I can see the pain it causes them and others. I certainly can’t nor should I take away their agency because it doesn’t fit my view. That is not God’s plan but it seems like a lot of human beings spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control others to meet their expectations.

Expectations! Those messy things that we place on ourselves and others that most often are never met. Expectations! Those things that prevent us from living in the here and now and always caught looking toward the future. Expectations! Those things that often destroyed our past and forever make us feel not enough.

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” 

― Lisa Kleypas

I am certainly learning and growing and I have to keep starting again.............again!

It's Been Too Long!

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on my blog. It's been too long. I was reading a friends blog and it was so honest and open expressing her feelings that it made me remember how cathartic writing has always been for me.

Like her, I am going through an uncomfortable period of adjustment. My reasons are different but a lot of the feelings are the same. We are both in a period of serious reflection on where our lives have been and where they are going. She is going through it because of the loss of her sweetheart, one of the most difficult things a person can go through. I am going through it because I am growing older and reflecting on a life mostly lived. Like her, I am trying to find where my new place is.

I have been reflecting on what has happened in my life, the things I have liked and the things I haven't, the power I have and the power I have given away, the person I have been and the person I am still becoming. There has been considerable thought about what I still want to accomplish. A lot of this is happening because as my mother was dying at 95 years old age, one of the last things she talked about was all the things she hadn't done. I don't want to leave this world with regrets.

I am realizing that I can't do a lot of the things I used to do but there is still a lot I am healthy and strong enough to keep working at. My mind isn't as quick as it once was but it is a whole lot wiser because of what I have already chosen to do and learn. I have never been much good at saying no but I am slowly learning that some of the things I choose to do trump a lot of the things everyone else wants me to do. As I have said, I have given away a lot of my power in the past. I was more concerned with making everyone else happy and not causing problems than I was with maintaining my own integrity, being true to myself.

It is very freeing to say no sometimes. No to the coulds, shoulds, musts, ought to’s, got to’s and need to’s gives you a chance to say yes to the want to’s, love to’s, excited to’s and can’t wait to’s. I have missed many of the latter opportunities in order to fulfill the former. I have then asked myself, “Why did I do that!” Most of the time it was to please someone else and there is nothing wrong with that if you don’t lose yourself in your quest to please someone/everyone else. Sometimes as you step into a role and you play it so well that everyone else thinks that is what you should always be. It can make them very unhappy and dissatisfied when you don’t respond as you “always” have.

The next thing I want to do is tackle some of my fears. The first one which I have grappled with for 60+ years is the fear of never being enough! Part of that comes from outside influences but a lot comes from inside me. I have high expectations for myself and everyone around me. Unfortunately, sometimes they are unreasonable expectations and they are never fulfilled and so I am never fulfilled. I am learning to let go of the unreal, the never ending and the unreasonable expectations. That is pretty freeing too. I am getting so I can say, “Not my monkey!” pretty effectively. I am realizing that this has created much of my unhappiness. Jenny says it is pretty presumptuous to think that I have enough influence to fix or change some things anyway.

I am learning to go with the flow and become a lot more flexible in my expectations of myself and others. It has made me a lot happier to let go of what I never could control anyway. I find myself saying no a lot more often to things that don’t serve me well and yes to things that I know are going to help. I don’t have lots more time here and even though I got a clean bill of health just yesterday, I also realize that can be gone in a minute. 9 funerals in as many months have changed my perception. Several of them came about in a matter of a few days or in two cases, a matter of hours. Those two were relatively young and totally unexpected.

I want to live while I’m alive, really live and even if I live to 95 like my mom, I still can see the time growing short. I want to make the most that I know how of the time I have left. There are still places to see and people to meet and love and more than enough books to read, stories to write, paintings to paint and memories to make that I should be able to fill that time well.

A Private Kind of Hell

Well, here goes!  I never in a million years thought I would be writing about this subject but my goal in this blog is to be honest about life and to keep it real.

My beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving and very, very forgiving daughter has been slowly making her way through a very private and secret kind of hell for the last 12 years. It all started with a beautiful and joyful day, the day of her wedding and it has gone occasionally uphill but mostly down since then.

The "private" and "secret" part is a huge contributing factor on this painful road.  I cannot and will not allow it to remain this way any longer.  It does not matter that she is a business woman, a master of martial arts, an amazing communicator outside her marriage or anything else that we find to be important and noteworthy on this earth.  She is first and foremost a sensitive and loving woman, daughter, wife and mother. These are the roles she has chosen to accept as most important in her life but she has been betrayed by her most important relationship, her husband inside of a "celestial" marriage.

Since she has been so open and forthcoming about this, woman have been coming forward in mass to say they are dealing with the same thing and so it has become a mission of sorts for her to expose this painful ordeal and put it out there in the open where it really belongs.  I absolutely cannot believe the number of people who are dealing with similar situations.  I am not writing this to "trash" her soon to be ex-husband.  I am writing about this in order that she, my niece, my nephew, my sister, my many friends and all men and women might find some healing from "toxic" relationships whether that relationship includes a husband, daughter, son-in-law, friend or whoever that is creating the atmosphere for that dysfunctional relationship.

Most of the dysfunctional behavior I have seen has come by way of drugs, alcohol, porn and less obvious addictions such as gaming, shopping etc.  Her partners behavior began at age 14 with porn and has continued throughout their marriage especially through stressful times which we all have.  This has only served to make those times even more stressful.  It has also included extensive participation in violent online gaming groups.  This is not uninformed speculation. Ken and I worked at the Transient Services Office where we saw the damage these things create in people and families on a daily basis. We worked with Addiction Recovery on our mission.  This time totaled 3 years.  My brother and his wife have been working in the Addiction Recovery Program for 8 years. His advice was for her to get out.  We know what we have seen.  We know the damage these things which have been minimalized do.

She and we, her family and friends of whom there are many, have struggled with so many emotions these last few years and especially months. Her primary concern has been her children.  They have been profoundly affected by this.  They have seen the fighting, the bitterness, the hurt, the hatefulness, the pain, the wasted time and energy and especially the guilt, all inside what should be their safest place, their home.  I do not live in their home but the intentionally harmful behavior has affected me in ways I cannot even express.  I have frequently left their home feeling helpless and occasionally hopeless.  We have been ignored many a time so that the latest video game could be played.  She cut up all his video games once which only caused him to be furious with her.  She and the children have been ignored to make time for porn.  Deep sadness and despair have visited me and so I can't begin to imagine what she feels.  Anxiety is now lessening.  Joy is increasing as they find themselves in a safe caring environment.

She left her husband 4 long months ago filled with anxiety about how he would react about  everything and has been living with us.  In that time, her children and she are beginning to return to
the happy, emotionally balanced children of God that they really are and should be. Somehow, those people became lost over time and especially in TN away from their support system.  Now, they are exposed by loving and deliberate intent to people who really do love and support them and who show that in healthy ways.  They are now in a school which I can only call amazing!  It is filled with little people, many of whom have their own problems and many of whom are bright and advanced as well. There, teachers get to love and hug them, sometimes feed and cloth them with joy for the journey.  It is amazing to watch. Thank you Kathy Drake and staff for the mission you have undertaken to love and teach His little ones.

Friends and family have joined arms around them to shelter, protect and provide in a way either her husband couldn't or wouldn't do.  Those friends and family have given a living room half full of Christmas, financial support, physical support, emotional support, love, guidance, kindness beyond belief and so much more.  It doesn't matter any more to hang on to the past, it only matters that they get back on the road and continue the journey in healthy ways.  She and we are working hard on fighting ways to combat the PTSD that spouses suffer from this and to minimize the damage to children.

I love him as did she in ways he seemed incapable of understanding.  It saddens me for the man he really has shown inside on occasion, the happy, fun, silly, capable of enjoyment and growth guy and for the waste of a life, full of so much talent and ability that could and should be used in better ways.  It saddens me for the wife and children who suffer the effects of this insidious sin slowly creeping in to our world.  It saddens me to see the tears and the pain which confuse and bewilder them all. It saddens me that a huge number of men and more and more women are choosing to short circuit wonderful, productive lives in pursuit of trivial and destructive activities.  Porn, gambling, gaming etc. etc. are useful for nothing but to accomplish Satan's work yet men and women continue to choose them over families and relationships on a daily basis.

She has wrestled so much with "Am I doing the right thing to take my children away from their father?"  After all, it affects so many lives, all of whom, if you really know her, she agonizes over.  Her decision has not been one that was easily come by.  There have been many incidents of forgiveness and starting again, 12 years of them.  There have been tears and prayers, counseling and anguish.  Her therapist, her bishop, her Stake President, her friends and her family have agreed that she needs to remove herself from this marriage.  Her patriarchal blessing actually tells her that she should be her first consideration but she has tended to always place everyone else first.  She really doesn't want to break up a family. No good mother I know would choose this action if given a viable choice. There just is no longer any other option left unless she watches herself and her children go down with the sinking ship.  As she puts it so aptly, she is "trying to stop the bleeding" yet still she bleeds and wonders if she is doing the right thing.

She is not the home wrecker or the word people are so want to use lately that her husband and some of his family want to make it appear she is.  She absolutely would prefer to have her children have two "healthy", loving parents.  She is convinced that this would be the best way. Her husband on the other hand has made a choice to refuse to work on this way so while he continues in his delusions of everything is okay, and she needs to make it all work for him., she is working through therapy to figure out why she allowed this to go on for so long and how can I best help myself and my children to a better life.  She struggles with feelings of
rejection and disgust and hurt and anger.  Her therapist tells her that "healthy" people rarely stay with "unhealthy" people.  This is not biased. He has seen both Jen and her husband.

Most of all, and this is a mom's feeling, her very good friend who told her that she has no covenant with her husband and the Lord since her husband chose to break it, is absolutely, 100% correct.  She has made a choice to work on living her covenants, he has not.  He is in denial or his pride will not allow him to seek help.  Either way, it is a no win situation for all involved.  We need to stop expecting women and men to make choices that kill their spirits and those of their children in order to support a spouse and/or parent who refuses to support them back.  God does not expect that in the name of being "Christlike" nor should we. You do not have to be the "long-suffering" spouse in order
to satisfy the Lord.  He is very aware of who is not fulfilling their responsibilities and who is.  We forgive for ourselves and then we move on without condoning sin that destroys us.

I had a long talk with her about this the other day.  She is so much more forgiving, most probably the most forgiving person I have ever known, and mature than I but we came to the conclusion that God gave up 1/3 of his children right off the bat to support 1 single but vital principle, that of agency.  She has made a decision to exercise her agency in ways that support the best outcome for the most people.  He simply has not made that same choice.  When will we as a people quit giving this blatant, pain inspiring and creating, useless, insidious abuse a by?  It is time we all stand for what is right and insist that it is the perpetrators responsibility to fix it and stop expecting the spouse, the children, the parents and the extended family to accept that responsibility.  These people have made their choices, now let them become responsible for them.  They want their agency while refusing and removing ours.  It is time for this to stop.