4 A.M. Thoughts 2

Many years ago I was listening to a man who spoke of writing your thoughts down when you wake with them in the middle of the night. I wasn’t quite sure why at the time that this might be so important. I understand now because I have not done that and then when I awaken, those thoughts however pithy and wonderful they may have been in the middle of the night, are gone. For this reason, I am finally waking up and getting them down not for the the great gift they might be to the world but because of the clarity they do or do not give me about my own life.

Yesterday I had a lovely day with family. There were many who could not be there for various reasons, a late train, illness, etc. and always choice. Some chose not to come because of different things. I used to get very upset at this for a variety of reasons but I have been working on meeting people where they are. In order to do this, I must see them where they are and that requires a whole lot if personal work to bring myself to where they are not meeting my expectations but realize that they have their own journeys over which I have little influence at this time.

My granddaughter told me something as we sat at lunch that had affected her a lot. A man we both know who some consider to be eccentric and quite difficult to understand in some ways had told her something which struck home for me. That something was that we have to get to a place in our lives that we understand that we can’t do something as well as someone else can. Whatever that thing may be, we have to let go and trust that someone else can and probably will do it better than we can. Often for me, that someone has to be the Lord.

As much as I hate it, I am sometimes arrogant in thinking that I and I alone have the power to change some dynamic that I really have no influence in at some point. Somewhat like this silly keyboard that seems to take on a life of it’s own, I can only affect those things over which I have control. My challenge then is to take control over that which I can control, the keyboard. Those things often do not include other people’s choices in life. They do not seek nor do they want my “highly informed” advice. Sometimes I know my advice would be very useful in some situation but they do not want it. In the past I often took offense but I am trying to see things differently now.

At this time, there are several important players in my life with whom I must turn over the power. Someone else will hopefully influence them more than I. A couple of them I can sit and talk with and we eventually come to an understanding about what is appropriate for me and them in our relationships. For a few others, discussion is avoided to the point of that wonderful new language of stonewalling or ghosting. That is perhaps the hardest thing for me because I have no control over the separation it creates and I have to remember that it is their journey.

Still, my silent heart and voice yearn to “fix it”! I want to scream loudly, “This could be fixed if only you would make the choice to come discuss it, work it out and fix it together.” The together part is the hard part for me. My daughter keeps telling me to “hold space” for them and not be judgmental. To be totally honest, I often have trouble with that part. It seems natural for humans to judge one another without knowing all the facts. That too drives me nuts yet I all too often choose that path. I don’t want others to do it with me yet I choose to apply it with a broad brush to them.

I have to back up and deliberately back off and let them find their own paths without even voicing my “expert” opinion. Wow! That can be seriously hard, especially when with the real wisdom of past experience, you watch them hurtling themselves toward a big train wreck. I was given the gift of discernment many years ago in a blessing. It is very real but it comes and goes according to how I choose to use it and I have been deliberately choosing it often of late. The problem comes when others do not discern but I can. It doesn’t come to me in the way one might think but if you have ever watched the TV series Psych, it comes much like it comes to the actor in that series. It will be in an extreme awareness of of a word or phrase or small detail that someone else might overlook. It’s often in the buts and the ors and other small things that indicate questioning or hesitancy on someone’s part. They still rush headlong into something in spite of those words of doubt and I am stuck there with the “Listen to yourself!” thoughts. It can be really hard to sit back and watch but I have to remember that, “It is not my choice to make.”

Yes, and it is not my choice the consequences their choices often leave behind which may involve me heavily. That is where the most pain lies for me. I can see the wreck coming but there is absolutely no way for me to influence it. My words and sometimes my actions will have no effect on their decisions and others are left to live with the pain. It is then that I have to remind myself of the pain I created for others and still do sometimes create. It is what my husband and I often laughingly call the “You’ve gotta get out of Lehi!” effect. It is about broadening your big picture vision. It is about tuning in to what will really be important in the future and who will be there for you when that future comes.

I am in the fortunate place of looking back at the “big picture” while yet still looking ahead. It can be a disconcerting place to be especially with family. A friend of mine was discussing “family dynamics” with me the other day. He said something to the effect that his friends have come and gone throughout his life as he moved or changed jobs or whatever but his family had always remained and is where he goes in the end for real support that never varies. I think that was God’s design.

As I look at things from this vantage point, this thought is true of me as well. My path diverged from that of my brother and sister for quite a long time. I was the baby sis by 8 and 10 years. I was not close to all the workings of their families for much of the time nor they with mine. We each had our own work to do with our own challenges and desires and ways. Now, it has come full circle and I find myself concerned with 6 “elderly” people. Keep in mind that at 72, I do not yet think of myself as elderly. Old occasionally maybe. Elderly? No! I don’t even go to that place where I know what my great grandchildren may be thinking about me. But I digress.

At this time in life, I find myself realizing that family especially and friends we have chosen for the long term are the only thing worth anything. Your relationships are everything so be careful what you choose. In this world there is much toxicity of relationships. Do not confuse that with the normal give and take and disagreement in a regular family. I have dealt with several toxic people but only two truly toxic families in my life. All of those have been very real AND very recent. Most families have their ups and downs and their disagreements, sometimes even fights, and go on to maintain relationships, sometimes close and sometimes not.

They ideal family usually exists in a TV sitcom or a void somewhere. Sadly, we all compare ourselves to that ideal. In reality, most of us exist somewhere in the middle. We are close at times and not at others and we are always in the background ready to help when asked or if we are tuned in even when not asked. When was the last time you checked on family or friends that seem disconnected? Is it you or them? Does it matter who it was? Do you need to reexamine your dynamics, thoughts, fears etc.? Are you willing to do that? If not, why not? It is a very important set of things to consider. What you choose may make or break you and those you love.

Right now, I am downhearted about some things in my family. I am not yet brokenhearted because, in my mind at least, there is still time and there are still fixes available if “my people” choose that. For me the challenge is in holding space for each individual and each family involved. Still, I hope and pray that they won’t wait until it is too late. They may do that but there is really nothing I can do to influence that except continue to love them!