On Being Judgemental

It’s time for me to start a purge on one of my most difficult problems. No I am not in a 12 step program although I have worked in some capacity in a 12 step program for several years of my life. No, this is a voluntary purge. I am not required to do it to fulfill some "responsibility" to anyone but me and my God. I could make excuses and say I had some very good teachers in this problem but then that would not be taking responsibility for my own choices in this area. I am close to 72 years old. I am an active, busy, healthy almost 72 but when I do meet my maker, I want to do it with a clear conscience.

Could it be that I am setting impossibly high standards for myself and others? Could it be that psychologist who told me years ago that I just hadn’t learned how to do some things or that the builder who stood in my demolished kitchen challenging me to recognize “the very thing I was sent here to do” could be right? Am I my worst critic? Why yes, I am!

I have a strong tendency to want to judge people by what my expectations are rather than just accepting them and loving them for who they are. Now, I need to qualify this. I am very open to differences and I am very loving to many people who don't meet my expectations. That is easy for me. It is with those who are close to me that I have the most difficulty.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. Why do I do it? Perhaps the answer lies in something my Shihan taught me years ago. We were discussing how you judge a martial arts form. She said that she gave everyone a 9 when they started and each time they did something wrong she deducted a tenth of a point. She also gave this advice about life. Thus, everyone starts with a 9 and then they perform in a way that either supports your ideals or trust or does not so you start deducting. No one gives you more opportunities to deduct points than those who are closest to you especially oneself.

Those with whom you have limited contact are easy to give a "by". It is much harder to bypass judgements of those with whom you have daily contact. Suddenly we fall into that pit where we are thinking, He doesn't do that right (because I wouldn't do it that way) or why doesn't she do this thing a certain way (because that is the way I do it). We begin judging everyone by our perspective which truthfully is probably very different from theirs.

For example, my husband and I were both downtown the other night about the same time. We both happened on an accident in the same intersection at different times. His explanation was very different from mine. For a second, it was somewhat confusing until we realized that he had been there a few minutes before me and that there had been a second incident added to that accident by the time I arrived. It resulted in a very different view of what happened.

Sometimes even when we are together viewing the same incident, it will seem very different to us depending on our past experience, our relationship to those involved, our expertise in the situation etc. I have spent considerable time lately doing self-checking, how do I feel, how is it affecting me and what do I need to do about it. A lot of the time I am finding that I need to do and should do NOTHING! That includes judging someone else’ view and actions by my perspective. It has made my life sooooooo much easier.