It's Been Too Long!

It's been a very long time since I last wrote on my blog. It's been too long. I was reading a friends blog and it was so honest and open expressing her feelings that it made me remember how cathartic writing has always been for me.

Like her, I am going through an uncomfortable period of adjustment. My reasons are different but a lot of the feelings are the same. We are both in a period of serious reflection on where our lives have been and where they are going. She is going through it because of the loss of her sweetheart, one of the most difficult things a person can go through. I am going through it because I am growing older and reflecting on a life mostly lived. Like her, I am trying to find where my new place is.

I have been reflecting on what has happened in my life, the things I have liked and the things I haven't, the power I have and the power I have given away, the person I have been and the person I am still becoming. There has been considerable thought about what I still want to accomplish. A lot of this is happening because as my mother was dying at 95 years old age, one of the last things she talked about was all the things she hadn't done. I don't want to leave this world with regrets.

I am realizing that I can't do a lot of the things I used to do but there is still a lot I am healthy and strong enough to keep working at. My mind isn't as quick as it once was but it is a whole lot wiser because of what I have already chosen to do and learn. I have never been much good at saying no but I am slowly learning that some of the things I choose to do trump a lot of the things everyone else wants me to do. As I have said, I have given away a lot of my power in the past. I was more concerned with making everyone else happy and not causing problems than I was with maintaining my own integrity, being true to myself.

It is very freeing to say no sometimes. No to the coulds, shoulds, musts, ought to’s, got to’s and need to’s gives you a chance to say yes to the want to’s, love to’s, excited to’s and can’t wait to’s. I have missed many of the latter opportunities in order to fulfill the former. I have then asked myself, “Why did I do that!” Most of the time it was to please someone else and there is nothing wrong with that if you don’t lose yourself in your quest to please someone/everyone else. Sometimes as you step into a role and you play it so well that everyone else thinks that is what you should always be. It can make them very unhappy and dissatisfied when you don’t respond as you “always” have.

The next thing I want to do is tackle some of my fears. The first one which I have grappled with for 60+ years is the fear of never being enough! Part of that comes from outside influences but a lot comes from inside me. I have high expectations for myself and everyone around me. Unfortunately, sometimes they are unreasonable expectations and they are never fulfilled and so I am never fulfilled. I am learning to let go of the unreal, the never ending and the unreasonable expectations. That is pretty freeing too. I am getting so I can say, “Not my monkey!” pretty effectively. I am realizing that this has created much of my unhappiness. Jenny says it is pretty presumptuous to think that I have enough influence to fix or change some things anyway.

I am learning to go with the flow and become a lot more flexible in my expectations of myself and others. It has made me a lot happier to let go of what I never could control anyway. I find myself saying no a lot more often to things that don’t serve me well and yes to things that I know are going to help. I don’t have lots more time here and even though I got a clean bill of health just yesterday, I also realize that can be gone in a minute. 9 funerals in as many months have changed my perception. Several of them came about in a matter of a few days or in two cases, a matter of hours. Those two were relatively young and totally unexpected.

I want to live while I’m alive, really live and even if I live to 95 like my mom, I still can see the time growing short. I want to make the most that I know how of the time I have left. There are still places to see and people to meet and love and more than enough books to read, stories to write, paintings to paint and memories to make that I should be able to fill that time well.