Well, here goes! I never in a million years thought I would be writing about this subject but my goal in this blog is to be honest about life and to keep it real.
My beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving and very, very forgiving daughter has been slowly making her way through a very private and secret kind of hell for the last 12 years. It all started with a beautiful and joyful day, the day of her wedding and it has gone occasionally uphill but mostly down since then.
The "private" and "secret" part is a huge contributing factor on this painful road. I cannot and will not allow it to remain this way any longer. It does not matter that she is a business woman, a master of martial arts, an amazing communicator outside her marriage or anything else that we find to be important and noteworthy on this earth. She is first and foremost a sensitive and loving woman, daughter, wife and mother. These are the roles she has chosen to accept as most important in her life but she has been betrayed by her most important relationship, her husband inside of a "celestial" marriage.
Since she has been so open and forthcoming about this, woman have been coming forward in mass to say they are dealing with the same thing and so it has become a mission of sorts for her to expose this painful ordeal and put it out there in the open where it really belongs. I absolutely cannot believe the number of people who are dealing with similar situations. I am not writing this to "trash" her soon to be ex-husband. I am writing about this in order that she, my niece, my nephew, my sister, my many friends and all men and women might find some healing from "toxic" relationships whether that relationship includes a husband, daughter, son-in-law, friend or whoever that is creating the atmosphere for that dysfunctional relationship.
Most of the dysfunctional behavior I have seen has come by way of drugs, alcohol, porn and less obvious addictions such as gaming, shopping etc. Her partners behavior began at age 14 with porn and has continued throughout their marriage especially through stressful times which we all have. This has only served to make those times even more stressful. It has also included extensive participation in violent online gaming groups. This is not uninformed speculation. Ken and I worked at the Transient Services Office where we saw the damage these things create in people and families on a daily basis. We worked with Addiction Recovery on our mission. This time totaled 3 years. My brother and his wife have been working in the Addiction Recovery Program for 8 years. His advice was for her to get out. We know what we have seen. We know the damage these things which have been minimalized do.
She and we, her family and friends of whom there are many, have struggled with so many emotions these last few years and especially months. Her primary concern has been her children. They have been profoundly affected by this. They have seen the fighting, the bitterness, the hurt, the hatefulness, the pain, the wasted time and energy and especially the guilt, all inside what should be their safest place, their home. I do not live in their home but the intentionally harmful behavior has affected me in ways I cannot even express. I have frequently left their home feeling helpless and occasionally hopeless. We have been ignored many a time so that the latest video game could be played. She cut up all his video games once which only caused him to be furious with her. She and the children have been ignored to make time for porn. Deep sadness and despair have visited me and so I can't begin to imagine what she feels. Anxiety is now lessening. Joy is increasing as they find themselves in a safe caring environment.
She left her husband 4 long months ago filled with anxiety about how he would react about everything and has been living with us. In that time, her children and she are beginning to return to
the happy, emotionally balanced children of God that they really are and should be. Somehow, those people became lost over time and especially in TN away from their support system. Now, they are exposed by loving and deliberate intent to people who really do love and support them and who show that in healthy ways. They are now in a school which I can only call amazing! It is filled with little people, many of whom have their own problems and many of whom are bright and advanced as well. There, teachers get to love and hug them, sometimes feed and cloth them with joy for the journey. It is amazing to watch. Thank you Kathy Drake and staff for the mission you have undertaken to love and teach His little ones.
Friends and family have joined arms around them to shelter, protect and provide in a way either her husband couldn't or wouldn't do. Those friends and family have given a living room half full of Christmas, financial support, physical support, emotional support, love, guidance, kindness beyond belief and so much more. It doesn't matter any more to hang on to the past, it only matters that they get back on the road and continue the journey in healthy ways. She and we are working hard on fighting ways to combat the PTSD that spouses suffer from this and to minimize the damage to children.
I love him as did she in ways he seemed incapable of understanding. It saddens me for the man he really has shown inside on occasion, the happy, fun, silly, capable of enjoyment and growth guy and for the waste of a life, full of so much talent and ability that could and should be used in better ways. It saddens me for the wife and children who suffer the effects of this insidious sin slowly creeping in to our world. It saddens me to see the tears and the pain which confuse and bewilder them all. It saddens me that a huge number of men and more and more women are choosing to short circuit wonderful, productive lives in pursuit of trivial and destructive activities. Porn, gambling, gaming etc. etc. are useful for nothing but to accomplish Satan's work yet men and women continue to choose them over families and relationships on a daily basis.
She has wrestled so much with "Am I doing the right thing to take my children away from their father?" After all, it affects so many lives, all of whom, if you really know her, she agonizes over. Her decision has not been one that was easily come by. There have been many incidents of forgiveness and starting again, 12 years of them. There have been tears and prayers, counseling and anguish. Her therapist, her bishop, her Stake President, her friends and her family have agreed that she needs to remove herself from this marriage. Her patriarchal blessing actually tells her that she should be her first consideration but she has tended to always place everyone else first. She really doesn't want to break up a family. No good mother I know would choose this action if given a viable choice. There just is no longer any other option left unless she watches herself and her children go down with the sinking ship. As she puts it so aptly, she is "trying to stop the bleeding" yet still she bleeds and wonders if she is doing the right thing.
She is not the home wrecker or the word people are so want to use lately that her husband and some of his family want to make it appear she is. She absolutely would prefer to have her children have two "healthy", loving parents. She is convinced that this would be the best way. Her husband on the other hand has made a choice to refuse to work on this way so while he continues in his delusions of everything is okay, and she needs to make it all work for him., she is working through therapy to figure out why she allowed this to go on for so long and how can I best help myself and my children to a better life. She struggles with feelings of
rejection and disgust and hurt and anger. Her therapist tells her that "healthy" people rarely stay with "unhealthy" people. This is not biased. He has seen both Jen and her husband.
Most of all, and this is a mom's feeling, her very good friend who told her that she has no covenant with her husband and the Lord since her husband chose to break it, is absolutely, 100% correct. She has made a choice to work on living her covenants, he has not. He is in denial or his pride will not allow him to seek help. Either way, it is a no win situation for all involved. We need to stop expecting women and men to make choices that kill their spirits and those of their children in order to support a spouse and/or parent who refuses to support them back. God does not expect that in the name of being "Christlike" nor should we. You do not have to be the "long-suffering" spouse in order
to satisfy the Lord. He is very aware of who is not fulfilling their responsibilities and who is. We forgive for ourselves and then we move on without condoning sin that destroys us.
I had a long talk with her about this the other day. She is so much more forgiving, most probably the most forgiving person I have ever known, and mature than I but we came to the conclusion that God gave up 1/3 of his children right off the bat to support 1 single but vital principle, that of agency. She has made a decision to exercise her agency in ways that support the best outcome for the most people. He simply has not made that same choice. When will we as a people quit giving this blatant, pain inspiring and creating, useless, insidious abuse a by? It is time we all stand for what is right and insist that it is the perpetrators responsibility to fix it and stop expecting the spouse, the children, the parents and the extended family to accept that responsibility. These people have made their choices, now let them become responsible for them. They want their agency while refusing and removing ours. It is time for this to stop.
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